This week, we talk long time BENT player and coach Megan Randall. Co-hosted by Tulsa Douglas and Luisa Neves.
This episode, Share the Air talks with Megan Randall. She tells us about her competitive side, and how it has helped her in life and in ultimate, as well as her playing career and her time with BENT. Randall also reflects on her pregnancy loss and her struggles with coaching while pregnant. Tulsa Douglas and Luisa Neves discuss which sports they would play if they couldn't play ultimate.
Share the Air is hosted by Tulsa Douglas and Luisa Neves. It is planned, edited, and produced by Tulsa Douglas, Luisa Neves, and Tim Bobrowski. Share the Air's music is by Grey Devlin and Christopher Hernandez. Share the Air is sponsored by the National Ultimate Training Camp, VC Ultimate, and the Centre for Applied Neuroscience.
Tulsa: [00:00:00] Welcome to episode seven of Share the Air. We're excited to bring you another great conversation. Before we get into that, we have another listener question this week, and it's from one of our previous guests, Suzanne "Suz" Fields, and she asks, "if you weren't playing ultimate, what other sport would be your primary sport?"
So Lou, what would yours be?
Luisa: [00:00:25] If I could play any other sport and be as somewhat good as I feel that I'm at at Frisbee, it would be volleyball. I love volleyball. I think it's so fun. I think in an ideal world, I would be, a hitter or a blocker, but I do not have the inches for it.
I don't
Tulsa: [00:00:45] I was going to say, is this ideal? Like, if we wish we could be good at any sport, what would it be? Or like what? Like, if we couldn't play ultimate, what would we do? Okay. So that's your ideal one. If you just couldn't play ultimate anymore and you had to switch to another sport, what would you play?
Luisa: [00:01:03] And I had to switch to another sport. Well, I will, I will. I don't know that I would, if I didn't have to play ultimate, I think that this is a sport that I actually do want to pursue. Even maybe while playing ultimate, I did take, , I took like an intro class for it, but I did try curling like right before the pandemic.
And I had so much fun. I think I'm fairly good at lawn games. And curling is just like a long game on ice.
Tulsa: [00:01:26] In the winter
Luisa: [00:01:28] yeah, I think,.
it was the winter Olympics just before that, whenever that was, was that 2018.
Tulsa: [00:01:35] Yeah, I think.
Luisa: [00:01:35] Um, and whenever the Olympics come around, whenever there's a World Cup, truly any sort of, sporting thing, I have every single sport.
Viewing streaming app on my devices. And So even just during the workday, like I can throw it up and just like, have it kind of playing in the background. And that 2018, I think I had watched curling before, but that, that winter Olympics, I, I loved it. I like was watching curling all the time.
It was so fun. It turns out that people have nicknames in the way that frisbee nicknames come about.
Tulsa: [00:02:12] So what's your curling nickname?
Luisa: [00:02:14] Oh, I don't know that I don't even have a Frisbee nickname. So I don't know that I have would, I don't know what it would be, but, yeah, the commentators were listing some of them off and it was like things like, Steak Bites and stuff like that.
So very Frisbee sort of nicknames. Um, but yeah, curling was, curling's a lot of fun. The first intro class I went to, I was the only person in my group to score, to score a point. Yeah. So that was cool, but, um, Yeah. You need a, it's actually like a ton of core strength with ch I think playing Frisbee or just like being athletic in some sort of sense, helped me out a lot in terms of like, cause all the group I was with was all beginners and there was, I was,
I was the only person everyone else in my group was there on like a couple date. And like, we're doing like a fun couples activity together. I was the only person who came by myself, um, which was really, really funny.
Tulsa: [00:03:06] Good for you doing it.
Luisa: [00:03:07] Yeah. I know it was like, I don't really do that sort of stuff, but to do it on my own, this, there was this much older lesbian couple there and they adopted me, they loved me.
I was the youngest person there. I was the only person by myself. Um, but Yeah. It was a lot of fun. And, I think if I had the ability and, could do it often because you have to travel all the way out to Prospect Park for it. But, um, yeah, curling's a lot of fun.
Tulsa: [00:03:30] Volleyball and curling.
Nice.
Luisa: [00:03:33] What about you?
Tulsa: [00:03:35] For, um, my, if I could just be good at any sport in play it, if my skills transferred over, I think I would pick basketball. I really like watching it and I want to be good at it. And I am not, it just seems like, I think I would like the combination of like the shooting and getting to practice.
Just like shooting over and over again. And the like small courts sprinting back and forth and, you know, defense is kind of similar. So I think I would pick basketball. I did play basketball once in high school and my rec league. And, um, my strategy was just steal the ball and run it down for a layup. That's all I did, but it was fun.
And my other sport. If it's, if I'm being realistic would be pickleball, I've been playing a lot of it. And, I know people have been getting into it in the pandemic, which is great. But I think I could get into training and I could do like sessions every day and drill, drill, drill, and get good at it. Yeah.
Luisa: [00:04:34] I forget. I think, I don't know. Maybe I was just talking to Stazi this past weekend, or it was talking to a Gridlock group. But somehow it came up in the conversation of, oh, we should do, uh, we should do some sort of sports thing that's not Frisbee and like, get really good at that, and pickleball came up. And so we were talking about, you know, oh, we could do it like a Gridlock pickleball thing. And then everyone was like, well, Tulsa has to sit out because she'd be too good in the time.
It would take everybody else to figure out how to win. Oh, that's what it was. Uh, Jenny, Jenny or Doodle was asking questions of, um, how long would it take you to beat Tulsa? In a game of pickleball and everybody was like, if I have all the time in the world, maybe, but
Tulsa: [00:05:19] Do I get to keep training or I stopped training and you all get to catch up.
Luisa: [00:05:23] It's brutal.
It's I would, I, would I treat it like, there's a nemesis, in training, like your arch-nemesis is training, you don't know yet. It's a rival. So I guess go about your, your, your typical training and then one day a rival will come to challenge you for your pickleball title, but yeah. If, the consensus was that there is absolutely no way anybody could beat you just trying in the time that it would take us to learn the game, Tulsa would still, already have gotten better at pickleball.
Tulsa: [00:05:53] Uh,
Luisa: [00:05:54] So your pickleball skills I think are becoming, becoming
Tulsa: [00:05:58] I'll coach you all. That would be fun. I'll run a little clinic.
Luisa: [00:06:04] In a world without Frisbee, we have maybe one more pickleball champion and maybe a curling expert. Um, but, thank you Suz for that question and please keep sending in more listener questions. They're incredibly fun to answer.
This week's episode is with guest Megan Randall. Before we get into the episode, we just wanted to share a couple of notes with our listeners. Randall was our first interview. She was our test case.
She was kind enough to, to help us out when we were first figuring out how to do this whole podcasting thing. So thank you to Randall for being our, test case. We did record this episode back in March so a note to our listeners, the episode quality might be a little bit lower than what you're used to as it was our first time recording. And, um,
Tulsa: [00:07:01] We've improved a lot since then we think. Yeah. And also a heads up to listeners that in this episode we discuss pregnancy loss. So with all that said, let's jump into our conversation.
Luisa: [00:07:32] Our guest today is Megan Randall. Randall grew up in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and started playing ultimate her freshman year . She attended Carleton college where she played for Syzygy for four years. After graduating from Carleton, Randall, moved to New York and started the women's club team BENT, which she then played for and coached for the past 11 seasons.
Currently Randall works as an art conservator at the MoMa and lives with her partner Lionel and their cat in New York city. So Randall, would you like to introduce yourself?
Megan Randall: [00:07:58] Megan Randall and most people in the ultimate community call me Randall. In fact, most people call me Randall. I started playing sports, you know, when I was really young and I was in a Megan boom and there was always like 10 other Megan's and Randall became my last name or Randall as always has been my last name, but Randall just became my name on the field.
And that sort of went into college. I think a little bit of it in college was like trying to redefine yourself and not just wanting to be a Megan from the Midwest. So Randall like gave me a little bit of, you know, something.
Tulsa: [00:08:35] You played sports as a kid, and I know from watching you play and being coached by you, that you're like a very, very fierce competitor, have a great competitive spirit. So I wondered if you had any stories that exemplified who you were as an athlete, as a kid.
Megan Randall: [00:08:49] You know, my parents, if they ever listen to this will have some things to say about that. It's not just sports, it's everything. And I will say, I think in the last like 10 years, it's come down level, which I think is good for everyone in my life's mental health. I played bas- you know, I played a little bit of everything growing up, but I was playing basketball and, it was one of those things were so both of us, I can't even remember how to play basketball now, but both of us had the ball and it was going to be a jump ball scenario, but I was like determined to, to get it from her before before it happened.
And so like, she wouldn't let go. And I somehow managed to like wrench the ball 180 degrees and flip her over in the process. I think I was ejected from the game after that, I'm not entirely sure. You know and I was like maybe 12 years old, like really young. And when I was playing soccer in high school, which I did all four years, every game I got a yellow card for a slide tackling, like every single one. And it's just losing, losing in my mind, growing up and into my young adult years, and maybe even my definitely my adult years, like, was unacceptable and it like, felt like a pock on my soul to have lost in anything. Like, I felt like it tarnish my reputation. I felt like I couldn't hold my head high if I lost and think years of therapy and just growing up has helped alleviate that a significant amount.
Like you can't control everything that happens to you, but the the drive to win and be competitive has been very strong in my life for a very long time.
Tulsa: [00:10:19] Do you think that was something that you just had, from the beginning, or it was something that was instilled in you.
Megan Randall: [00:10:26] Um, yeah, nature versus nurture. I'm not sure. I mean, my family is like when we play cards and get into arguments about the rules, like people get up and walk away, which is not really an appropriate response to playing a card game with your family. I don't think, maybe it is. I'm not sure, but it's something that's inside of me, this feeling of like frustration and, I dunno if the right word, but just, I think it's been there forever and it's dissipated as I've gotten older, which has given me some peace, which is nice.
Tulsa: [00:11:04] It sounds like you've been able to maybe control it or direct it more recently, but what do you think that fierce , determination, how do you think that has positively affected you and where you've gotten to.
Megan Randall: [00:11:17] I think the positive aspects of it is it just let me push myself to limits I didn't know that I had. And the thing that I pulled from sports in my life is just how to go for something where you don't know what the end point is. And without the drive to compete without the drive to train without the drive, to just like do kind of whatever it took, how do you, how do you know where your failure point is?
You will never, you'll never find it. And it also comes with a significant amount of risk. And that, that has been, I think, the most rewarding part, because if you were trying for something, like no holds bar, just give it everything that you have, whether it's just like, you know, diving for a disc or, you know, just attempting to make your season the best or just trying to become the best athlete you can, you have this huge aspect of failure in front of you. And so it taught me what my limits are, but it also taught me how to embrace something wholey, full well knowing that it might not turn out the way you want it to. And took me a long time to figure out what my career path was. And I think having Frisbee to have in my mind, an example of trying and not necessarily seeing a path forward or trying and failing. It's like, I can, I can fail. That's okay. I know how to fail. I know how to react after failing. I can keep going.
Tulsa: [00:12:49] Yeah. It's like that getting comfortable being uncomfortable piece. So ultimate has been a big part of your life and you've gone on and had a great club career. So what do you think contributed to you continuing to play for so long, and when did you realize that ultimate was going to be a big part of your life?
Megan Randall: [00:13:06] I think by like my sophomore year of college, I was like, this is it, this is something I can be good at. The sport is young enough that I can continue to play it at a high level. Yeah. Pretty, pretty early on. And the competitiveness in me needed an outlet and that was an outlet.
And it's also, you know, as a, structural thing in your life, you get friends, partners, mental health, fitness, like it kind of checks all the boxes. And I was a bit wayward in what I wanted to do in life. So this was something that I could grab onto and hold onto until I figured the rest of it out.
Luisa: [00:13:42] You played at Carlton for four years and then moved to NYC and started playing club. I believe you played for a couple of mixed teams and then switched over to the women's division.
What was your early club experience like?
Megan Randall: [00:13:54] I did play two seasons of mixed coming out of Carlton. I played for Puppet Regime for two seasons before BENT started in 2009.
Luisa: [00:14:05] That's awesome. I did not know the name of that team. I thought it was a women's team.
Megan Randall: [00:14:09] So I played for Puppet Regime my first year out of school and we lost in the game to go to Bashing Piñatas never, I'd never, I'd never, at that point, not gone to nationals. So I was like, what is this like, who, how this isn't, how life is supposed to go. Like really depressed after that in a way that I look back on and just shake my head at my former self, and then played for them a second season where I actually captained. And we, I think we ended up tying for fifth at nationals, which sounds really good, but it was terrible. And it was sort of at that point where I was realizing a lot of my mixed experience, there was always a guy on the field, either on our team or on another team that made me feel targeted for being a woman and contributed to a rage in me that I only experienced when I play mixed. It's the only time I've ever spiked a disc on a person.
Um,
Tulsa: [00:15:07] What led up to it?
Megan Randall: [00:15:09] Someone just like made a dangerous play and I caught a disc and the play got called back and the disc went up to me again and I caught it in front of this guy and I spiked it on him and then realized as I was walking up the field, cause his teammate came up to me and she's like, that's not the same guy that made the play earlier. And so I just like spiked it on some like random person who the second catch, wasn't dangerous at all. It was just me catching it and like being really fired up and hitting him with the disc and it wasn't him. And I was like, all right, well, I think I'm done spiking discs forever. And like, maybe this is an unhealthy environment for me to be in if I'm doing these kinds of actions on the field. So it was sort of at the end of Nationals that year, which would have been 2008, I was sort of like rounding up women on my team and being like, you know what, let's bounce and start our own team. And that's kind of what happened. Like the group of people who had played for Ambush and a group of people who played for Puppet Regime sort of like came together and started like the core of BENT. And that was, that was that. It was great. I mean, that first year was kind of magical, you know, like we had a 12 person core in a way. So we like had, had to have like a team and then we just added on to it I had my Puppet Regime friends, and then everyone had their favorite person in the Northeast that they got to play for BENT and it was just all of us playing together and kind of figuring it out. And it was really fun. And then the second year, it's when you start to build a program and then the growing pains of getting a coach and who are we? And having a elected leadership structure and the freedom of that first year was gone.
Luisa: [00:16:56] Could you talk a little bit about what those first few years on BENT were like did those growing pains continue? Did you ever feel like the team was in a groove of sorts? I know that it's a transitory city. People come and go. It's very difficult to build a program. I have many thoughts on it, but I'm curious to know what at least those first few years were like.
Megan Randall: [00:17:17] Yeah, no, I think the first few years were like establishing a program into realizing the reality of New York City ultimate. that was like the hardest part, because it's like, Oh, we just need to get our feet underneath us. We need to like, make Nationals a couple of times, and then, you know, the rest will sort of take care of itself. And no one stays in New York city. People, if they do stay in New York city, they're working on careers that sort of outweigh the priorities of ultimate, which like, great, like good for them. To me, one of the hardest things is retaining top players because they leave. Either move across the country or they stay in New York and play for a better teams nearby,
Luisa: [00:17:58] Hi Brute Squad.
Tulsa: [00:17:59] Or not so nearby.
Megan Randall: [00:18:00] Not so nearby. Yeah. Like Brute Squad, but Scandal, you know, like, and that's tough. Like it took in the early years, it took a while to get people to come from D five who were strong national contenders for awhile. So there's just like so many other options close enough nearby for teams that were willing to make allowances for our top players, that it was hard to retain top players. It's hard to retain anyone because people are moving in and out of the city. And because of the high turnover, you're reteaching a system every year and that's something we just never got right. When you have to start from scratch where you feel like you're starting from scratch, you can't use the assets you had the previous season. And I think that's what makes a program is being able to build. And if you can't build, you're just trying to figure it out every year as you go. And I think what's happened with BENT sheds light on how that process works, which is not well.
Luisa: [00:18:57] Share the Air will be right back. But first here's a quick word from our sponsors.
Tulsa: [00:19:04] Share the Air is sponsored by the National Ultimate training Camp located in Western Massachusetts. NUTC is the longest running ultimate sleepover camp in the country. It has also gone international, hosting camps and teaching clinics all over the globe. With the most talented coaches in the world, NUTC is teaching ultimate for the next generation. Learn from the best at NUTC.
Luisa: [00:19:26] Share the Air is also sponsored by VC Ultimate. VC has been producing custom uniforms and performance apparel since 1998. A company that proudly puts values and community before profit, VC is the world's best source for quality design and all of your ultimate needs.
Tulsa: [00:19:45] In 2018 you switched from playing for BENT to coaching BENT because you were doing IVF for, and for those who don't know what IVF is, it's in vitro fertilization. It's where you were an egg is fertilized in a lab and then transferred into the uterus. So can you talk about what that decision was like to coach and your IVF experience?
Megan Randall: [00:20:05] So the, the primary reason I moved to coaching was that I was trying to get pregnant. I couldn't play even if I wanted to, because I was doing IVF. And when you're doing IVF, while you're in an active cycle , they're giving you hormones that essentially try to get you to produce as many eggs as possible, and you are not allowed to do any physical activity while that's happening.
And so there's like no way to train, no way to necessarily participate. Like you have like sort of two weeks of every cycle you're doing that you could run around, but you wouldn't have been able to train for half of that time. It's not good. So I was sort of in some ways, like I'm not ready to leave my support network of BENT and wanting to be involved and not being able to compete. So like, this was the best option for me to kind of keep my foot in the door and be part of something while going through, you know, IVF, which is a very long grueling process.
Luisa: [00:21:04] Did you ever know of anybody, anybody else, a teammate, an opponent who went through a similar process to you and decided to go through the process of getting pregnant while grappling with playing?
Megan Randall: [00:21:16] I think when you're trying to get pregnant while playing and you don't necessarily have infertility in front of you, I think there's lots of people who've done that, you know, so lots of people who continue to play while pregnant, and like that, that I think we see and hear about a lot more in Frisbee and it's the, the infertility aspect, like athletes trying to figure out infertility while, you know, cause like my idea was that I'd come back and play at some point. I didn't think this is going to be a three-and-a-half year, long process. That I don't hear about it and then they must be out there and I just, I'm not sure because it really just puts your life on hold. You can't do anything. And so if there's professional athletes out there who are facing infertility, I don't know what they're doing. I'd love to read stories about them. It just puts a pin in everything. You have to be on call. You have to go into the doctor every day to get ultrasounds while you're in your active cycle. It's makes it impossible to kind of do sports.
Tulsa: [00:22:18] Yeah. So I remember when you were coaching Gridlock and we would have those evening practices and when you would come to them, I think Cassie was like giving you your evening shot or something at like 9:00 PM or something like that, like on the field. What was that? And what was that experience like to, to balance trying to coach and having to do this? It's like a pretty rigid schedule each day, right?
Megan Randall: [00:22:40] Yeah. So for IVF, you, you have injections, you know, maybe two to three injections every day and you have to take them either in the morning and the night, or sometimes both. And in the beginning I was very afraid of needles and couldn't give myself injections. So I would ask a person I was coaching to give a shot in my you know, halfway through practice, which, you know, I've known Cassie for a long time, which I think is fine, but it's sort of an interesting thing to ask somebody who you're then coaching like 10 seconds later.
Then the summer of 2018, I was doing infertility treatments, but I was actually not doing IVF when I coached BENT that first year, which did give me some more flexibility, but still meant I couldn't play because I was doing different kinds of infertility treatments, like artificial insemination and like some hormonal injections, but like nothing as rigid as IVF. And so when, Eileen Murray came up to me, sort of in the winter of 2018, going into 2019, to coach Gridlock, I had just kind of figured out by seeing the doctor and running through tests that IVF was kind of the next step for me. I was like, I don't know what this is going to be like, like, I don't know how this is gonna work, but I'm willing to like, be present as much as I can for Gridlock to coach. And she's like, yeah, whatever you need, we're happy to accommodate. But yeah, like I missed the retreat for Gridlock because I was doing a retrieval. I think I have a lot of thoughts on this, but just, I'm grateful that there was a system with BENT and Gridlock that was willing to give me the space to still participate, being a woman going through infertility or pregnancy, but as a person who likes to do well at things and achieve, I did not achieve or work nearly as well as I would like to have. I wasn't able to be my best self as a coach.
Tulsa: [00:24:39] Yeah. And I don't want to take away from your experience of feeling like maybe you didn't do it as well as you wished you could have. I think maybe there's a piece for me where, you were like showing that there are different things that go on in people's lives and you brought other positives, even if you weren't feeling like you were like coaching in the best way that you could, you were showing us, at least me personally, you can do hard things at the same time. I don't know if that makes sense.
Megan Randall: [00:25:06] Yeah, no, I think it makes sense. And I think it's good to humanize the people that you're around. And there's no hiding from IVF in many ways. So that that's just going to be out there. When I see it in other people, I think it's great. You know, I want to see people being humans, doing other things. But when it's yourself and you're like, Oh, this isn't going particularly well. I'm like, Oh, maybe, maybe this wasn't a great decision. But overall, what I want to see is, is more of that is more people like me being present in different communities. So, yeah, it's a mixed bag.
Luisa: [00:25:44] You know, I think there is something to be explored in terms of not just making the exception for you, but also doing something to be a little bit more active in, in support of you or, you know, someone going through what you're going through.
Megan Randall: [00:26:01] I mean, that kind of leads to the next season of coaching. So I got pregnant at the end of May in 2019. So I was pregnant sort of near the end of Gridlock season and I found out I was pregnant with twins, which is very interesting because we essentially were told my eggs are just really messed up. They probably weren't going to ever make good embryos and kudos to the doctors at Weill Cornell, they were able to make a couple of embryos, sort of our last ditch attempt to do IVF. But we're like, great. Like, Oh my God, we figured out this, this thing that worked like both of these embryos took one of which was not very good quality. We're like, Ugh, but you know, like six, seven weeks along like there, you know, I see the heartbeat and there everything's going fine. And, it was the morning of the finals in Atlanta where I go into my ultrasound and like one of the hearts has stopped beating that fetus just didn't survive. Um, and she's like, this happens a lot in twin pregnancies, your prognosis for the other twin is totally normal and fine, but you've, you've lost one. And so it like threw me for a loop, but still being pregnant was a major cushion emotionally. But I get on a plane later that day and go coach the finals in Atlanta, which was very weird experience. I showed up the person who was there to pick me up from the airport couldn't find me, like show up to the game, 10 minutes before it starts. Just a weird experience. incredible game. Like it was a double overtime or just something that had like.
Luisa: [00:27:48] High all around.
Megan Randall: [00:27:49] High stakes all around.
Tulsa: [00:27:51] It was so hot.
Megan Randall: [00:27:52] It was so hot and like, that was like another thing, like I had just lost, you know, I just had a miscarriage and I was in really high heat and like, felt very self-conscious about like being active on the sideline on that turf. But you know, I was there, we lost. In some ways I was super relieved cause then I could just be, you know, I like was the first car back to the hotel and just went to sleep. But you know, life moved on and I continued to go to ultrasounds and things were fine. And I was also coaching BENT at the same time too. So we have a two week break in our schedule and I have like a miscarriage during that two week break. But we were in the boundary waters of Minnesota and there's no health care anywhere. So we get in the car and drive like two and a half hours to the nearest clinic. But I'm like too early. I'm 11 weeks at this point, I'm like too early for their ultrasound unit to really see anything. we like drive all this way. They can't see anything. Drive back. And I have an ultrasound when I come back to the city and find out that, you know, I've lost both of them and. Oh God, just like because I was with my husband at the time and we didn't know, and we're coming back to the city, how bad it was. And what, what Nationals, Masters Nationals. He would like left from our vacation to Masters Nationals. So like he's in Colorado when I find out. And it's just it's kind of like terrible, but funny, terrible thing. And that, like, there was, there was something in a way liberating. Not about having a miscarriage, but just my approach to coaching that season was that after that happened, I was sort of like, well, I'm going through something that I can't control. I can't control my emotional reaction to it. I'm learning that I can't control anything in life, which is an interesting thing to realize, when you've kind of feel that you have some semblance of control over how the world works around you and you realize you really don't, it's like, well, I'm in a place where I can't be an emotional rock for anyone anymore. I think I went to a tournament where I still coached. And I don't think I had told anyone yet. And like, that was kind of just a way to numbingly go through the pain before I was really processing it. But after that, I was like, I, I don't really know if I can do this anymore, but also like really meeting the team for the emotional support and needing to continue to be involved in something and not just completely retreat.
I was like, you know what, I'm going to play. I'm going to be terrible, but I really want to play some Frisbee. Like I like, just want to do something. I just want to feel something. I just can't, I can't keep watching. And you know, when you've formed a team and played on it and then coached on it, no one's going to tell you, you can't do that.
Um, so I, so I did it. And you know, have similar mixed feelings about, like I needed that. I needed to do that and BENT let me, and that was like a significant departure from how coaches are supposed to, like, you can have player coaches, but this was like, I was a coach. And then all of a sudden I'm playing and like maybe helping Jeff a little bit, but like really just like focusing on myself. And I'm grateful for that. I don't think it was necessarily great for the team to have had that happen, but in some ways, I was just going through something big enough that I, I couldn't focus on that anymore as I've reflected on it since then.
But, you know, I coached, um, then I played and I started IVF again and I coached and then like, realized that IVF was never going to work for me. So then I started playing again. Played at Regionals, at a very sub par level, but it was still, I know, I know it's, you know, we all know what standard we can play at and when you're not at it, you know, like you were so much easier to give other people allowances than it is to give yourself one. But, yeah, very, very interesting season.
Luisa: [00:31:52] I remember our practice right before Nat, or right before regionals that year. And you had told the leadership you know, what some of the treatment you were going through. And I remember getting, you know, we're at the field on Saturday morning or something everyone's throwing. And I looked over to the sideline and you were, I think there was like three BENTers just hugging you. And I just like knew that the treatment had not gone well, and I like ran over and someone was like, Oh, Stazi is running to get her cleats from car so Randall can play in this practice.
Megan Randall: [00:32:33] Yeah.
Luisa: [00:32:34] Yeah.
Megan Randall: [00:32:35] Like the decisions were really quick like that too. It's just going to practice to coach and getting a call from my doctor being like, no, all of your embryos, none of them made it. I don't know if we can say F*** it on the air, but just like, f*** it, you know, like I like, Ugh. And so I think, I can't remember if we even found cleats for that practice, but the decisions were really fast and not very well considered and not necessarily taking into account the health of the team, which trying to be team first for 10 years and then all of a sudden being me first for the last one, while being a coach, I'm grateful that the system was flexible for me. And I know like everyone was really, was really great about it, but now there's playing time that I took away from some of the people I had been coaching to get more playing time. And I could kind of feel conflict in them, wanting to support me, but also being frustrated they're not on the field more and that's, that's a weird position to be in. And one, I hope to never be in, will never be in again.
Luisa: [00:33:46] And now Share the Air will take a break to talk about today's teachable moment, brought to you by Dr. Mandy Wintink and the Centre for Applied Neuroscience.
Tulsa: [00:33:54] This week's teachable moment is about arousal regulation. We all know what it's like to pump ourselves up for a big game. Being able to get into our optimal zone can make a huge difference to our performance. Pumping ourselves up is a neurological experience led by our brain. It consists of activating adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol through the fight or flight system. Adrenaline and cortisol engage our muscles, change our oxygen intake, focus our brain on the goal and strengthen our memory, all good things to help us succeed at defeating our threat, or in this case, our opponent. Self-talk, music, and team cheers all do this.
Luisa: [00:34:27] This kind of arousal is an intense experience for our nervous system. Too much can cause us to perform poorly. Over aroused muscles become tense, hands become jittery, which can lead to dropping a disc or being less nimble in a cut or throw. Our brain becomes too narrowly focused, and we can lose spontaneity and creativity in our play. Our stomach might feel nauseous and we might have to go to the bathroom. We could even start to panic.
Tulsa: [00:34:50] Knowing how to manage this arousal can improve how we perform. Dr. Wintink offers two ways. First, we need to notice when we are over aroused. Checking in regularly with our body on and off the field is a good way to develop the kind of body awareness needed for optimal performance. If we realize we're over aroused, then we can envoke a second strategy, deep breathing, which will activate the parts of the nervous system that is in charge of relaxing us. Elite athletes and performers of all kinds learn how to manage the system so they can be properly engaged and play at their peak performance.
Luisa: [00:35:22] Thanks to Dr. Mandy Wintink and the Centre for Applied Neuroscience for this teachable moment. Head to www.KnowYourBrain.ca and see what courses they have to teach you more about your brain. If you mention you heard about them here, you'll get a 5% discount off course fees, and they'll also donate 5% back to Share the Air.
Tulsa: [00:35:46] So I think in the U.S., at least, there's definitely like discomfort around talking about pregnancy loss. And I think there probably two pieces, which is the miscarriage piece and then the grief piece, which like both people are uncomfortable with. So what has been your experience in sharing your story with people? How has that gone?
Megan Randall: [00:36:10] I think it's gone really well. I mean, I, I married a psychologist, so I've been in therapy for many years before this happened and had an immediate way to start processing what had happened. You know, we told people really early on that we had, kind of the next week that we'd had a miscarriage because we'd been telling people that we were pregnant. And that was really liberating. You get responses from all the people around you who've had miscarriages or pregnancy loss and it sort of helps create a sense of unity and also helps normalize it in a way. Cause you feel, you just like feel out on an island and it's so, so common to have happen, you know? And part of it is like this universal thing that's like, so many people have happened to them. But the other part for me was yes, it happens to everyone. But I also have been trying for like three years to get pregnant, and this was kind of my last shot. So I wanted to own my grief in an extra special way, which I am sure also everyone else feels too when they have a pregnancy loss, but yeah. So my friends and the Frisbee community, like I talked to lots of people about it and because of some of my old other teammates, I know people who've gone through sort of tragic things around pregnancy. And so I had people to talk to about it. That was really helpful. So that part was good in a way. Like, I never felt stigmatized to discuss it with my friends or my family. And that was really helpful. And, you know, being at, for kind of the first time on the other side of grief, in a way, like you realize how helpful it is to talk about it. As a person approaching people with grief before, it's like, you, you never want to bring it up cause you don't want to like upset them. And now I'm like, oh, people want, they probably want to have the option, at least discuss it depending on where they are in the process. And that's been really eyeopening to me. Cause I was always really afraid of approaching people with grief and really tentative around them and just kind of ignored it. It's like, let's just talk about anything else, except for this major thing you're going through. And it has given me a comfort in interacting with people who are close to me, who've gone through something to engage with them about things they've gone through, which I find helpful. But at work, nothing. I was on contract. I was precarious labor, which is a term I recently learned. And I was afraid if anyone knew that I was going through infertility treatments, I wouldn't be considered for another contract, and never told, except for one of my very close colleagues, never told anyone anything. And that, that was frustrating to feel like I'm having a second job. I'm at the doctor at 6:00 AM almost every day, then going to work, then taking shots, having these treatments. And I could have asked for, you know, I could have told people what was going on and sort of asked for some emotional consideration or just something, but I didn't feel safe to do so. So I never did.
Luisa: [00:39:26] To clarify, you work as a conservator at the MoMA and at the end of 2019, we know that you worked on a piece in a series called RSVP by the artist Sengha Nengudi. For our listeners, RSVP is a series of abstract sculptures dealing with themes of womanhood and how the body changes during pregnancy. So Randall, what was it like to work on such a piece after having gone through the journeys that you did?
Megan Randall: [00:39:52] So, so this was like one piece in our 2019 re-hang. So MoMA closed for a while and we had this like big expansion. Then we reopened the fall of 2019. And so I'm working on the installation for that while I'm going through IVF, while I've become pregnant, while I've lost my pregnancy, while I've started to go through IVF again. And this work by Sengha Nengudi is called RSVP 1, and I'm going to get the dates wrong, but like 1977, I believe. And it these big nylons or they're just normal nylons, they just look big, but they're just normal nylons where the torso, the top has been tied off after being filled with sand. And then the legs are stretched and attached to the wall, going to just like very kind of the torso part is like big and bulbous and like hanging down with sand. And then the legs become like essentially just strings that are attached to the wall. And she made this piece because she had gone through a pregnancy and had given birth. And she was watching her own body go through these crazy changes of elasticity and morphing and strength and a kind of a whole body of work came out of it. But it was sort of after I had had my miscarriage or miscarriages, they medically, if you have twins and lose both of them, it's still considered one miscarriage drives me crazy. But it was so interesting to work that day. Like no one knew that I'd had a miscarriage, no one knew I was going through anything. And we're installing this work about pregnancy. And I'm just holding these five pound bags of sand nylons, which were kind of the exact same weight that a baby might be and helping people install it. And I was just like, Oh God, this is such a weird thing to be experiencing.
A year or so later I get offered this job offered a permanent position, I no longer sort of felt fear around being potentially not considered as a good applicant because I was going through and MoMA has this program called Art Speaks where anyone on the staff can say like, Hey, I have this piece I want to talk about. And before the shutdown of COVID, it was a gallery talk where you would just stand in front of a piece and MoMA would promote it. And anyone who was interested, who was coming that day could come listen to you. But since COVID, it's become this production piece. So, when the call went out, I was like, yes, I have something I want to talk about and something that I kind of felt forbidden in some ways from talking about, not that I really was forbidden, but it just, yes, I want to have something I need to get off my chest here. And it was one take kind of said all the things that I've sort of described to you all. And I've done a number of, um, because I'm a conservator at MoMA, like it's just behind the scenes aspect of conservators at work fixing things. And we're often chosen for, you know, different video pieces to go up on MoMA's YouTube. So I've done a number of pieces with our video team and it gets maybe 10,000 views from like art nerds around the world, nothing, nothing major. And I do this piece about loss and pregnancy, and I wasn't really expecting the reaction that I got. I wasn't expecting two days later to have 300,000 views on Instagram TV. And most of them, you know, the comments have been, you know, mostly supportive. A lot of people are like, these works look like ball sacks. Why are we talking about pregnancy? And mostly on Twitter is that that's the reaction, because I think that's a forum to say that kind of thing, but like really, really incredible responses. And a lot of responses from my coworkers, which has been so great. And the other part of this is that I recorded it. What, like I'm, I'm pregnant. So there's this aspect of it now, too. That's so different talking about loss when you're already pregnant again, it makes it easier to delve back into in a way that when you don't know if that part of your life is ever going to be fulfilled. And like something I've learned is that we don't really know anything that's going to happen to us next, which is, which is fine. But that also has helped shift things for me in the last couple months with the video and talking about pregnancy at work and, yeah, it's been, it's been a trip.
Tulsa: [00:44:27] So you have played and coach now with BENT for 11 years. And you played two years of mixed before that and four years of college ultimate. So what is next for you? Where do you want to go next? Either ultimate or not?
Megan Randall: [00:44:40] Yeah, the COVID shutdown has put a, I think, kind of a gulf of distance between me and ultimate, and I'm not sure if or when things are back to normal, if that will close up again. So I am due in May and I'm pregnant with twins again, single embryo that's split. So they're identical. So I don't know if I will have any life ever again. I was 32 when we started trying to get pregnant and I'm 36 now. So like there was this idea that we would have a kid, you know, and within a year or so, and then come back to play and that didn't happen. And now it's kind of like, do we even want to play Frisbee anymore? I don't know. If we do, I certainly don't think coaching is going to be my future in the immediate term. I think it's something I could come back to later on. I'm not sure what's next for me. Aside from hopefully, a t on of diapers and sleep deprivation.
Tulsa: [00:45:42] Yeah.
Megan Randall: [00:45:43] It'll be interesting. I've played a lot of tennis. Finding other outlets for athletic expression has been fun.
Tulsa: [00:45:51] Where do you want ultimate to go?
Megan Randall: [00:45:53] I hope a women's team still exists in New York when this opens up again, and I know they'll have similar struggles. Meeting some of the first team, Survival, they were struggling with the same things we were in the eighties. It's been a long time and we will continue, but the pluses of just having a community, even if it's transient, even if it's not achieving everything that you want it to is still so worthwhile. And I've seen so many people over the years get so much out of being part of that community that I hope it continues to exist in some form. I also just hope, you know, in the last, five or six years, the microphone that ultimate has given women and people of color and all walks of gender identity and I hope it continues to be a way to amplify voices. And I hope it continues to be a way to have discussions around expectations, not just in sports, but in all areas of our society. That's been really, really fun to watch and interesting to be part of. Cause it wasn't something I was thinking about in the early years of club. So I hope that continues for sure.
Tulsa: [00:47:03] Yeah. I was thinking about that recently. Just like how much growth I have taken from ultimate or like the people in ultimate have pushed me to learn and grow in different ways.
Okay. So Randall I'll try and describe how it works. So it's called 10 seconds Stall. For each question, the timer will start when we start asking the question. You'll have 10 seconds for us to ask the question and for you to answer.
Megan Randall: [00:47:34] Okay,
Tulsa: [00:47:36] And we'll yell, stall if we get to 10 seconds, but...
Okay. So, what teammate do you want on the line with you?
Megan Randall: [00:47:45] Stazi.
Luisa: [00:47:46] Who is the hardest matchup you've ever had, guarding or being guarded by?
Megan Randall: [00:47:51] Darcy Drummond. Caps.
Luisa: [00:47:55] Best tournament party?
I don't go to parties.
Tulsa: [00:48:01] Uh, favorite tournament location?
Megan Randall: [00:48:06] Uh, I don't. I don't know. Yep. No, no idea.
Luisa: [00:48:14] Favorite post tournament meal?
Megan Randall: [00:48:17] Post practice meal is Taco Bell.
Tulsa: [00:48:21] What do you get there?
Megan Randall: [00:48:22] Yeah. Everything, like 10 different things. It's disgusting. My poor organs will never recover.
Tulsa: [00:48:30] If you can only have one throw, what do you pick?
Megan Randall: [00:48:34] Flat backhand.
Tulsa: [00:48:36] Lu guessed you would say that.
Luisa: [00:48:39] Favorite play you've ever made?
Megan Randall: [00:48:43] Um, layout catch of a hammer in the end zone at a scrub tournament that didn't matter.
Tulsa: [00:48:53] Who's the greatest athlete of all time?
Megan Randall: [00:48:56] Serena Williams, obviously.
Tulsa: [00:48:58] Obviously
Luisa: [00:49:00] A book podcast or TV show recommendation.
Megan Randall: [00:49:03] Book, podcast, or TV show recommendation. Um, TV show Schitt's Creek. Everyone knows that now, but I knew it before other people did.
Tulsa: [00:49:17] If you could play with any professional athlete, who would you pick?
Megan Randall: [00:49:20] know. I'm that's, that's a good one. Victoria Azarekna, maybe?
Luisa: [00:49:29] You have to pick one burpees, pushups, or pull-ups?
Megan Randall: [00:49:32] Burpees.
Luisa: [00:49:34] Randall. I know you so well.
Megan Randall: [00:49:36] Obviously, come on.
Tulsa: [00:49:39] Okay. You only got stalled out once.
Megan Randall: [00:49:41] Yeah, right.
Nice.
Luisa: [00:49:44] Well, thank you Randall for joining us on Share the Air. This was a really great conversation. These are conversations that I've wanted to have with you since forever.
Megan Randall: [00:49:52] Yeah. When you were like, sent me your text message, like, we have a thing we're thinking about, I can't tell you over a text. I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ. What is this going to be like, I want to talk to you on a...
Luisa: [00:50:01] I need you to coach four more teams.
Megan Randall: [00:50:04] Like, what, what could this be? You're like, oh, I want to like talk to you for a couple hours on the internet. Yeah. I can do that anytime. So happy to I'm so glad you are all doing this.
Luisa: [00:50:19] So since it's been a while since we've recorded this episode, we'd like to give you all an update on Randall and Lionel and their two daughters Dot and Val.
Tulsa: [00:50:27] At 15 weeks, they rushed to the emergency room due to a subchorionic hematoma, and then at 16 weeks, Randall was diagnosed with T T T S at stage three, which is abnormal blood flow. And she was transferred immediately to Columbia for fetal laser surgery. The surgery was complicated, but successful and Randall and the babies were monitored frequently until the twins were born at 33 weeks on April 28th, 2021.
Luisa: [00:50:51] Their names are Dot and Val, and they stayed in the NICU for a couple of weeks, but are now home with Randall and Lionel.
Tulsa: [00:50:57] Randall, Lionel, and the babies are moving to Minneapolis at the end of August. Thanks again to Randall for being our very first conversation and for sharing her story with us.
Luisa: [00:51:06] Congratulations to Randall and Lionel we're so, so happy for you. And so excited to hear that everyone is happy and healthy.
Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. If you like the podcast and want to support us, here are a few things that you can do.
Tulsa: [00:51:22] You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook at Share the Air Podcast, and on Twitter @sharetheairpod.
You can also rate and review us, and most importantly, subscribe to our podcast wherever you listen.
Luisa: [00:51:32] And if you want to show more support, or if you just can't get enough of Share the Air, you can check out our Patreon at patreon.com/sharetheair.
Tulsa: [00:51:40] Finally, if you want to get in touch with us, you can email us at team@sharetheairpodcast.com. We'd love to hear from you.
Luisa: [00:51:47] Thanks so much for listening.
Tulsa: [00:51:48] Share the Air is hosted by Tulsa Douglas and Luisa Neves. It's produced and edited by Tulsa Douglas, Luisa Neves, and Tim Bobrowski.
Luisa: [00:51:56] Share the Air's music is by Grey Devlin and Christopher Hernandez. Thanks again to our sponsors, NUTC VC, ultimate, and the Centre for Applied Neuroscience.